I discovered the following words from my memory. I wrote it decades ago I think..
aku tidak akan tanya lagi
kalau kau ingin pergi
maka pergilah jua
cukup sudah seketika
cukup sudah bersemuka
mulanya dari hari ini
tiada guna fikiran sepi
maka pergilah jua
tutup sudah pandangan mata
tutup sudah segalanya
esok pula hari menanti
aku gembira rasa begini
maka pergilah jua
cukup sudah apa dirasa
tutup sudah segala duka
.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
You gotta face this...
I was browsing through this book called "Mian Xiang : Discover Face Reading" by Joey Yap. It was more out of curiosity than trying to decipher the pictures I browse in facebook, manjam or planet romeo. In any case, more and more of the pictures (especially in manjam and PR) seems to focus elsewhere rather than a proper face shot, so what the heck.
I didn't realise before that the phrase "if a face could launch a thousand ships" might actually be true. Like most mortals, I guess I've only thought ..oh.. he has nice cheekbones, or ahhh.. he has a sweet smile. Or some such admiration to certain facial features. Everyone has a concept of what's nice.
Unlike the Mian Xiang which categorises facial features into things like the 5 Officers, the 12 Palaces and 100-Year map, I like to keep things simple. I categorise faces to a mere 3 groups : (1) forgettable, (2) memorable, (3) practical.
A forgettable face is one that makes you exclaim (usually mentally) a big WHAT?? as soon as you see it. This is not to say that the face is ugly. No one is ever ugly. Uninspiring maybe, but certainly not ugly. For example, can you say you are inspired when you see George Bush's face? I can name other notaries closer to home even, but the thought of being seditious does discourage me somewhat..
Then there is the memorable face. It is one that makes you exclaim (usually aloud) a drooling WOW!! as soon as it passes by you. This is not to infer the face is pretty or handsome, although usually it has to be. I cannot imagine anyone drooling over something unappetising. Can you? The best example of a memorable face is the face of the one you love, or lust after (though lust can be triggered by other parts of the body...).
Last but not least, there is the practical face. It's one that makes you wonder WHO? when you see it. It's actually putting a name to the face, like when you know the face but cannot recall his name. It's a practical face because you need to remember. Especially friends, enemies and colleagues. Not to forget family and relatives. You need to be practical, right?
So, at the end of the day, which would you rather use : the Mian Xiang way of seeing faces, or the plain but simple and just as effective method I use? I know probably Joey Yap makes tons of money from his book. And I make nary a cent from my system. But I simplify my life. If you want more complications, go ahead and read his book.
My parting shot at this topic -
Arnold (of TorchSong Trilogy) : there's more to life than finding a pretty face, then sitting down upon it
Alan (from same movie) : One look at me, and all they want is sex..
Arnold : One look at me, and all they want is... conversation.
Helena of Troy : the face that launched a thousand ships
Me : the face that sank a thousand hopes
.
I didn't realise before that the phrase "if a face could launch a thousand ships" might actually be true. Like most mortals, I guess I've only thought ..oh.. he has nice cheekbones, or ahhh.. he has a sweet smile. Or some such admiration to certain facial features. Everyone has a concept of what's nice.
Unlike the Mian Xiang which categorises facial features into things like the 5 Officers, the 12 Palaces and 100-Year map, I like to keep things simple. I categorise faces to a mere 3 groups : (1) forgettable, (2) memorable, (3) practical.
A forgettable face is one that makes you exclaim (usually mentally) a big WHAT?? as soon as you see it. This is not to say that the face is ugly. No one is ever ugly. Uninspiring maybe, but certainly not ugly. For example, can you say you are inspired when you see George Bush's face? I can name other notaries closer to home even, but the thought of being seditious does discourage me somewhat..
Then there is the memorable face. It is one that makes you exclaim (usually aloud) a drooling WOW!! as soon as it passes by you. This is not to infer the face is pretty or handsome, although usually it has to be. I cannot imagine anyone drooling over something unappetising. Can you? The best example of a memorable face is the face of the one you love, or lust after (though lust can be triggered by other parts of the body...).
Last but not least, there is the practical face. It's one that makes you wonder WHO? when you see it. It's actually putting a name to the face, like when you know the face but cannot recall his name. It's a practical face because you need to remember. Especially friends, enemies and colleagues. Not to forget family and relatives. You need to be practical, right?
So, at the end of the day, which would you rather use : the Mian Xiang way of seeing faces, or the plain but simple and just as effective method I use? I know probably Joey Yap makes tons of money from his book. And I make nary a cent from my system. But I simplify my life. If you want more complications, go ahead and read his book.
My parting shot at this topic -
Arnold (of TorchSong Trilogy) : there's more to life than finding a pretty face, then sitting down upon it
Alan (from same movie) : One look at me, and all they want is sex..
Arnold : One look at me, and all they want is... conversation.
Helena of Troy : the face that launched a thousand ships
Me : the face that sank a thousand hopes
.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
An affliction so deadly....
An author once wrote "...and when I saw him, suddenly I realised that I'm infected with that most deadly of all affliction - beauty.." I can't recall his name at the moment, but his words are fresh in my mind as if I read it just some minutes ago.
Ahh yes.. now I remember. His name is Gordon Merrick. I've read 5 of his 11 published works. Although most are syrupy sweet in his description of "love that dare not speak it's name", there are brilliant snatches of intense moments that you can cherish for life. And despite the numerous cliches liberally splattered across all his chapters, I like the singular innocence of his characters in facing life's challenges.
I read those novels by Mr.Merrick a couple of decades ago. The thing is, they managed to make me feel like a virginal young schoolboy fully ripe and anxiously awaiting for that great first love of his lifetime to come by. And to think I was already in my post middle-age trauma.. The caressing strokes of his words and style enveloped me as if in a trance.
My apologies, but I digressed from what little I want to say.
Like many countless others all over the world, I also suffer from this common yet immensely dangerous affliction. It is all-pervasive and can threaten your very existence. And why not : all the commercials and tv series you see nowadays are filled to the brim with urgent messages to adore and worship and die for beauty..
We want everything to be pretty and cute and beautiful and perfect. Even the simple thumbdrives to sneakers and even drinking cups need to be pretty to look at, nevermind its performance or practicality. Every advertisement screams at you to buy their "perfectly beautiful" product. It's beauty, beauty, beauty everywhere, but never a prettiness in sight.
You know the overused saying "beauty is in the eyes of the beholder"? Or what about this one - "beauty is skin deep"? Going by all the bombardment we are given every single day in every place for every known product, services and even emotions to adore beauty, it seems those two phrases are at best just excuses for those not up to the mark for beauty.
But at what cost beauty?
It's not for me to say. But just think of all the extent to which people through the ages have gone through to be "beautiful". The agonies more often than not outweigh the ecstasy. Sure, there are some very fortunate ones, and they are the ones getting the accolades. But what about those who failed to achieve their objectives to be acceptably beautiful?
Beauty is big business. Just look around you and you can see the staggering amount of persuasive advertisements, promotions, displays, merchandise, contests and such, all determined to make you want to be "beautiful" in some little way. And just when you think you have achieved that little something, the standards of beauty change, and you are back to square one..
It makes me ponder something.. When you think about the time, effort, energy, and money so many people spend to make themselves look and feel beautiful, very few take the trouble to make their hearts beautiful for others. It doesn't take much, but the beauty others can see of that in you is surely priceless.
Me.. I am contented to be an Ugly Betty. For without the uglies, there can be no beauties. There isn't light if there is no darkness. What is love if there wasn't hatred. And there won't be life if there isn't death to end it all.
Ahh yes.. now I remember. His name is Gordon Merrick. I've read 5 of his 11 published works. Although most are syrupy sweet in his description of "love that dare not speak it's name", there are brilliant snatches of intense moments that you can cherish for life. And despite the numerous cliches liberally splattered across all his chapters, I like the singular innocence of his characters in facing life's challenges.
Like many countless others all over the world, I also suffer from this common yet immensely dangerous affliction. It is all-pervasive and can threaten your very existence. And why not : all the commercials and tv series you see nowadays are filled to the brim with urgent messages to adore and worship and die for beauty..
You know the overused saying "beauty is in the eyes of the beholder"? Or what about this one - "beauty is skin deep"? Going by all the bombardment we are given every single day in every place for every known product, services and even emotions to adore beauty, it seems those two phrases are at best just excuses for those not up to the mark for beauty.
But at what cost beauty?
It's not for me to say. But just think of all the extent to which people through the ages have gone through to be "beautiful". The agonies more often than not outweigh the ecstasy. Sure, there are some very fortunate ones, and they are the ones getting the accolades. But what about those who failed to achieve their objectives to be acceptably beautiful?
Me.. I am contented to be an Ugly Betty. For without the uglies, there can be no beauties. There isn't light if there is no darkness. What is love if there wasn't hatred. And there won't be life if there isn't death to end it all.
Just a short post..
For some strange reason, I suddenly remembered the following pantun which was translated into English in the Encyclopeadia Britannica :
The original Malay pantun-
"From where does the dove flies,
it flies to its nest in the knoll:
the true gate of love is the eyes,
the prize of its quest, is the soul."
The original Malay pantun-
Dari mana punai melayang
dari sawah turun ke kali.
Dari mana datangnya sayang,
dari mata turun ke hati.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Euphoria evaporated ...
In the movie "Torchsong Trilogy", the main character (Arnold) said :
An ugly person who goes after a pretty person gets nothing but trouble. But a pretty person who goes after an ugly person gets at least taxi fare home.
Sad, but again, it's utterly true isn't it.
There is never really an equal partnership in any relationship. Never. None. Zilch. It's ALWAYS one party liking the other person more anyhow you look at it. No two person in any relationship can EVER like or love each other equally. Even married couples do not love one another equally. It's either he lovers her more, or she loves him more. That's a fact of life and you had better know it early and accept it.
But that is NOT to say the relationship doesn't work. It can work only if both parties recognise this inherent shortcoming and can engage in compromises in a lot of their daily routines. Which means that in practical terms, any relationship is in fact something you have to work on: it just doesn't happen naturally (not for the long haul anyway).
Sure, there is this "love at first sight" euphoria where everything seems impossibly perfect. But reality pounces on you when you least expect it. And you discover your partner squeezes the toothpaste tube the wrong way. Yeah, small detail you may say, but many small details add up to quite a big chunk at the end of each freaking day.
And why am I saying all these things?
You see the truth is, I am the one who usually pays the taxi fare. So I am in the (un)enviable position to know and talk about these things. Boy! do I talk from experience~! In fact I have so much such experiences that I can even do it again with my eyes blindfolded and with boths hands tied behind my back.
And you say it's pitiful? Pity is only for those who have what it takes, but he or she is froggishly ignorant of it.
My point is : yes, I am not beautiful, yes I am no longer young. But even if I have to pay the taxi fare, I do it because there are some beauties and some young ones who do deserve such a treat once in a while in life from someone.
Even if it is from a confirmed non-beauty such as I.
--------terjemahan---------
Dalam filem "Torchsong Trilogy", watak utama (Arnold) berkata: Orang hodoh yang mengusaha orang yang cantik akan hanya mendapat masalah. Tetapi orang cantik yang mengusaha orang hodoh, setidak2nya ia akan dapat bayaran tambang teksi balik ke rumah.
Sedih. Tapi sangat tepat, kan.
Sebenarnya tiada persamaan tahap dalam apa jua perhubungan. Memang tidak ada langsung. Lazimnya cuma satu pihak yang lebih menyukai pihak yang lain itu dari apa segipun dilihat. Tiada mana pasangan pun yang akan saling suka atau cinta dengan tahap yang sama. Pasangan yang sudah berkahwin pun tidak saling mencintai dengan tahap yang sama. Yang ada, mungkin suami menyayangi isteri lebih, atau isteri yang menyayangi suami lebih. Itu adalah lumrah hidup, dan anda sewajarnya sedarkan kenyataan itu dari awal lagi dan memerimanya.
Tapi, kan, itu tidak bermakna setiap perhubungan akan terkandas. Ia boleh berterusan jika kedua belah pihak iktirafkan ketidakseimbangan ini, dan melakukan banyak tolakansur dalam hidup seharian. Bermakna dari segi praktiknya, apa jua perhubungan harus di usahakan bersama : ia tidak akan wujud dengan semulajadi je (khususnya untuk jangka panjang).
Ye, memang benar ada wujudnya "cinta pandang pertama" di mana segalanya kelihatan teramat indah laksana mimpi. Tetapi kenyataan akan menerkam ketika kita paling tidak tersangka masanya. Dan ketika itulah kita baru perasan pula cara dia memicit tiub ubat gigi tu ngan cara salah. Ye, mungkin itu hal kecil je, tapi bila ada banyak perkara2 kecil maka akan berhimpun menjadi besar kelak pada penghujung tiap hari.
Nak tau kenapa pula aku cakap pasal semua ini?
Sebab, aku juga yang selalunya membayar tambang teksi tu. Jadi aku ni memang berada dalam keadaan yang tepat dan sesuai sebab sudah tau dan boleh cakap pasal ini semua. Ye, memang~! aku cakap dari pengalaman. Sebenarnya aku terlalu banyak pengalaman saperti itu, sehingga aku boleh juga mengulangi nya lagi dengan mataku ditutup dan kedua tangan aku di ikat di belakangku tanpa masalah.
Dan kau kata kesian kat aku kalau macam tu? Kesian itu hanya untuk mereka yang ada kelebihan tapi dia yang tidak menyedari kelebihannya sendiri.
Apa yang aku nak sampaikan di sini : ye, memang aku tidak cantik. Ye memang aku tidak muda lagi. Tetapi walaupun aku terpaksa bayar semua tambang teksi itu, aku lakukannya sebab sesekali ada si cantik2 dan ada si muda2 di dunia ini yang amat patut dapat dan layak menerima tambang yang dibelanjakan untuk mereka oleh seseorang.
Walaupun yang bagi belanja itu merupakan orang yang sah hodoh macam aku ini.
.
An ugly person who goes after a pretty person gets nothing but trouble. But a pretty person who goes after an ugly person gets at least taxi fare home.
Sad, but again, it's utterly true isn't it.
But that is NOT to say the relationship doesn't work. It can work only if both parties recognise this inherent shortcoming and can engage in compromises in a lot of their daily routines. Which means that in practical terms, any relationship is in fact something you have to work on: it just doesn't happen naturally (not for the long haul anyway).
Sure, there is this "love at first sight" euphoria where everything seems impossibly perfect. But reality pounces on you when you least expect it. And you discover your partner squeezes the toothpaste tube the wrong way. Yeah, small detail you may say, but many small details add up to quite a big chunk at the end of each freaking day.
And why am I saying all these things?
You see the truth is, I am the one who usually pays the taxi fare. So I am in the (un)enviable position to know and talk about these things. Boy! do I talk from experience~! In fact I have so much such experiences that I can even do it again with my eyes blindfolded and with boths hands tied behind my back.
And you say it's pitiful? Pity is only for those who have what it takes, but he or she is froggishly ignorant of it.
My point is : yes, I am not beautiful, yes I am no longer young. But even if I have to pay the taxi fare, I do it because there are some beauties and some young ones who do deserve such a treat once in a while in life from someone.
Even if it is from a confirmed non-beauty such as I.
--------terjemahan---------
Dalam filem "Torchsong Trilogy", watak utama (Arnold) berkata: Orang hodoh yang mengusaha orang yang cantik akan hanya mendapat masalah. Tetapi orang cantik yang mengusaha orang hodoh, setidak2nya ia akan dapat bayaran tambang teksi balik ke rumah.
Sedih. Tapi sangat tepat, kan.
Sebenarnya tiada persamaan tahap dalam apa jua perhubungan. Memang tidak ada langsung. Lazimnya cuma satu pihak yang lebih menyukai pihak yang lain itu dari apa segipun dilihat. Tiada mana pasangan pun yang akan saling suka atau cinta dengan tahap yang sama. Pasangan yang sudah berkahwin pun tidak saling mencintai dengan tahap yang sama. Yang ada, mungkin suami menyayangi isteri lebih, atau isteri yang menyayangi suami lebih. Itu adalah lumrah hidup, dan anda sewajarnya sedarkan kenyataan itu dari awal lagi dan memerimanya.
Tapi, kan, itu tidak bermakna setiap perhubungan akan terkandas. Ia boleh berterusan jika kedua belah pihak iktirafkan ketidakseimbangan ini, dan melakukan banyak tolakansur dalam hidup seharian. Bermakna dari segi praktiknya, apa jua perhubungan harus di usahakan bersama : ia tidak akan wujud dengan semulajadi je (khususnya untuk jangka panjang).
Ye, memang benar ada wujudnya "cinta pandang pertama" di mana segalanya kelihatan teramat indah laksana mimpi. Tetapi kenyataan akan menerkam ketika kita paling tidak tersangka masanya. Dan ketika itulah kita baru perasan pula cara dia memicit tiub ubat gigi tu ngan cara salah. Ye, mungkin itu hal kecil je, tapi bila ada banyak perkara2 kecil maka akan berhimpun menjadi besar kelak pada penghujung tiap hari.
Nak tau kenapa pula aku cakap pasal semua ini?
Sebab, aku juga yang selalunya membayar tambang teksi tu. Jadi aku ni memang berada dalam keadaan yang tepat dan sesuai sebab sudah tau dan boleh cakap pasal ini semua. Ye, memang~! aku cakap dari pengalaman. Sebenarnya aku terlalu banyak pengalaman saperti itu, sehingga aku boleh juga mengulangi nya lagi dengan mataku ditutup dan kedua tangan aku di ikat di belakangku tanpa masalah.
Dan kau kata kesian kat aku kalau macam tu? Kesian itu hanya untuk mereka yang ada kelebihan tapi dia yang tidak menyedari kelebihannya sendiri.
Apa yang aku nak sampaikan di sini : ye, memang aku tidak cantik. Ye memang aku tidak muda lagi. Tetapi walaupun aku terpaksa bayar semua tambang teksi itu, aku lakukannya sebab sesekali ada si cantik2 dan ada si muda2 di dunia ini yang amat patut dapat dan layak menerima tambang yang dibelanjakan untuk mereka oleh seseorang.
Walaupun yang bagi belanja itu merupakan orang yang sah hodoh macam aku ini.
.
Monday, January 25, 2010
If music be the food of.... what you are..
I came across an Australian site that says most of the people like us would find some well-known commercial songs much to their liking as opposed to just top-hits of the day. The songs are not exactly contemporary and I tend to think the group of people they refer to are of the slightly more mature generation.
Anyway, below is a list of the top 50 songs favoured by people like us in the English speaking world. See if you can figure out just how many are yours..
50. Elton John & George Michael “Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me”
49. Dead or Alive “You Spin Me (Like A Record)”
48. Pet Shop Boys “New York City Boy”
47. Diana Ross “Chain Reaction”
46. Deborah Harry “I Want That Man”
45. Cher “Strong Enough”
44. RuPaul “Supermodel (You Better Work)”
43. KD Lang “Constant Craving”
42. Culture Club “Do You Really Want To Hurt Me”
41. Chaka Kham “I’m Every Woman”
40. Wham “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go”
39. Paul Lekakis “Boom Boom (Let’s Go Back To My Room)”
38. Kym Mazelle “Young Hearts Run Free”
37. George Michael “Outside”
36. Donna Summer “I Feel Love”
35. Dannii Minogue “This Is It”
34. Belinda Carlisle “Summer Rain”
33. Peter Allen “I Go To Rio”
32. Sylvester “You Make Me Feel Mighty Real”
31. Heather Small “Proud”
30. CeCe Peniston “Finally”
29. Madonna “Express Yourself”
28. Cyndi Lauper “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”
27. Charlene “I’ve Never Been To Me”
26. Tim Curry “Sweet Transvestite”
25. Barry Manilow “Copacabana”
24. Barbara Streisand and Donna Summer “No More Tears”
23. Whitney Houston “I Wanna Dance With Somebody”
22. Sister Sledge “We Are Family”
21. Queen “I Want To Break Free”
20. Dolly Parton, “9 to 5”
19. Coming Out Crew, “Free, Gay and Happy”
18. Village People, “In the Navy”
17. Frankie Goes To Hollywood, “Relax”
16. Village People, “Macho Man”
15. Judy Garland, “Over The Rainbow”
14. Bronski Beat, “Smalltown Boy”
13. Diana Ross, “I’m Coming Out”
12. Cher, “Believe”
11. Gloria Gaynor, “I Am What I Am”
10. Alicia Bridges, “I Love The Nightlife”
9. Madonna, “Vogue”
8. Olivia Netwon-John “Xanadu”
7. Kylie Minogue, “Better The Devil You Know”
6. Pet Shop Boys, “Go West”
5. Kylie Minogue, “Your Disco Needs You”
4. The Weathergirls, “It’s Raining Men”
3. Gloria Gaynor, “I Will Survive”
2. Village People, “YMCA”
1. ABBA, “Dancing Queen”
.
Anyway, below is a list of the top 50 songs favoured by people like us in the English speaking world. See if you can figure out just how many are yours..
50. Elton John & George Michael “Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me”
49. Dead or Alive “You Spin Me (Like A Record)”
48. Pet Shop Boys “New York City Boy”
47. Diana Ross “Chain Reaction”
46. Deborah Harry “I Want That Man”
45. Cher “Strong Enough”
44. RuPaul “Supermodel (You Better Work)”
43. KD Lang “Constant Craving”
42. Culture Club “Do You Really Want To Hurt Me”
41. Chaka Kham “I’m Every Woman”
40. Wham “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go”
39. Paul Lekakis “Boom Boom (Let’s Go Back To My Room)”
38. Kym Mazelle “Young Hearts Run Free”
37. George Michael “Outside”
36. Donna Summer “I Feel Love”
35. Dannii Minogue “This Is It”
34. Belinda Carlisle “Summer Rain”
33. Peter Allen “I Go To Rio”
32. Sylvester “You Make Me Feel Mighty Real”
31. Heather Small “Proud”
30. CeCe Peniston “Finally”
29. Madonna “Express Yourself”
28. Cyndi Lauper “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”
27. Charlene “I’ve Never Been To Me”
26. Tim Curry “Sweet Transvestite”
25. Barry Manilow “Copacabana”
24. Barbara Streisand and Donna Summer “No More Tears”
23. Whitney Houston “I Wanna Dance With Somebody”
22. Sister Sledge “We Are Family”
21. Queen “I Want To Break Free”
20. Dolly Parton, “9 to 5”
19. Coming Out Crew, “Free, Gay and Happy”
18. Village People, “In the Navy”
17. Frankie Goes To Hollywood, “Relax”
16. Village People, “Macho Man”
15. Judy Garland, “Over The Rainbow”
14. Bronski Beat, “Smalltown Boy”
13. Diana Ross, “I’m Coming Out”
12. Cher, “Believe”
11. Gloria Gaynor, “I Am What I Am”
10. Alicia Bridges, “I Love The Nightlife”
9. Madonna, “Vogue”
8. Olivia Netwon-John “Xanadu”
7. Kylie Minogue, “Better The Devil You Know”
6. Pet Shop Boys, “Go West”
5. Kylie Minogue, “Your Disco Needs You”
4. The Weathergirls, “It’s Raining Men”
3. Gloria Gaynor, “I Will Survive”
2. Village People, “YMCA”
1. ABBA, “Dancing Queen”
.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Lessons for "The Day After" (and it's not the movie)...
I plucked the following from the deep recesses of my cobweb-filled vault of locked memories. I hope that for my daring and dangerous heist, you guys out there can see some light at the end of the tunnel (and hopefully it's not of some on-coming express train)..
Let's say you've finally found that illusive someone who seems to fit rather well into your idea of the person you want to be with for the long-term. You know, not just for a simple snuggle session or a fiesty scandal-filled stolen weekend. It's someone you want to lose your name for (and other kind of losses you may well be pleased to undergo). I mean, well.. you know what I mean.
Then.. wham-bam..kaboom.. a bombshell exploded right in your guts when that person rejects you. So what do you do?
You have a two choices : (1) die right there and then; or (2) spit him in the face and be thankful you still have your name.
Or, perhaps you will do what I did, (as I would probably do again if I were to encounter a similar situation in future).
No, I didn't gave life up and die. But I did go through the motions of feeling what near-death is like. It is an awful feeling, like you are about to defeacate but things seemed stuck in netherland. Your mind constipates, your body shrivels (or bloats as the case may be), and you realise despite the bluriness around you, that you are in some stinky shithouse.
And at the end of it, you realise that it's the other person who leads you there in the first place. But thats what you get when you feed voraciously on imaginary and illusive emotions : a bellyful of nothing (and perhaps just some loud breakwinds).
And neither did I spat on his face, because I thought it was rude to do so. I can be mean, but never, ever rude. It's like the difference between a whore and a slut : one does it strictly for money, the other, for a price. If you can't figure that out, then probably the housewives in your neighbourhood aren't desparate enough.
What I did was a compromise : I went through the motions of dying for a fair bit (required to get your venoms in focus) and then I spat out whatever feelings I had in my heart through my head. And then, like Ms Gaynor's song I Will Survive, I did. Yes I did..
I guess that episode was the actual reality check for me. That was when I learned to put down my feet and said "NO" when my heart screamed "say YES you shithead".
But after all these years, I come to know that we all need shithouses. Without them, we'd never get rid of our poisons and toxins...
Then.. wham-bam..kaboom.. a bombshell exploded right in your guts when that person rejects you. So what do you do?
Or, perhaps you will do what I did, (as I would probably do again if I were to encounter a similar situation in future).
No, I didn't gave life up and die. But I did go through the motions of feeling what near-death is like. It is an awful feeling, like you are about to defeacate but things seemed stuck in netherland. Your mind constipates, your body shrivels (or bloats as the case may be), and you realise despite the bluriness around you, that you are in some stinky shithouse.
And neither did I spat on his face, because I thought it was rude to do so. I can be mean, but never, ever rude. It's like the difference between a whore and a slut : one does it strictly for money, the other, for a price. If you can't figure that out, then probably the housewives in your neighbourhood aren't desparate enough.
What I did was a compromise : I went through the motions of dying for a fair bit (required to get your venoms in focus) and then I spat out whatever feelings I had in my heart through my head. And then, like Ms Gaynor's song I Will Survive, I did. Yes I did..
But after all these years, I come to know that we all need shithouses. Without them, we'd never get rid of our poisons and toxins...
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Reflections Of My Life (The Marmalade)...
The changing of sunlight to moonlight
Reflections of my life, oh how they fill my eyes
The greetings of people in trouble
Reflections of my life, oh how they fill my eyes
All my sorrows, sad tomorrows
Take me back to my own home
All my cryings, feel I'm dying, dying
Take me back to my own home
I'm changing, arranging
I'm changing, I'm changing everything
Oh, everything around me
The world is a bad place
A bad place, a terrible place to live
Oh, but I don't wanna die
All my sorrows, sad tomorrows
Take me back to my own home
All my cryings, feel I'm dying, dying
Take me back to my own home
All my sorrows, sad tomorrows
Take me back to my own home
All my cryings...
You can watch a video of the song here.
It was one of my favourite songs when I was a teenager. Back then, I didn't know what the lyrics signify. I only felt the song was going to be a part of me for some yet to be known reason.
It only became clearer in university when I realised I had fallen in love, and that the love was forbidden... And to make it even more impossible, he was a bona fide straight guy: a state hockey player and a product of the Royal Military College.
As fate would have it, and against all the odds, he reciprocated and the 6 years we were together were the sweetest I've known. It ended because he felt the urgent need to breed and he wanted to get married.
Contrary to what the lyrics laid bare, I did not wish to die rather than suffer the anguish. Instead, I killed my feelings for him despite the pleas from him that he wanted us to still continue to be together once he was married. I saw no point in it.
It took me a good part of 2 years to recover. Like Rod Stewart sang, the first cut is really the deepest.
Now, decades and several lifetimes later, when I sometimes lay sleepless deep at night, I still wonder why I am destined to feel the things that I have felt. There are no answers for it, I know. And so I've stopped asking it consciously.
I only reflect on whether what I had done to deal with those emotions were for the better or otherwise. Sometimes even if you have grown older, it does not mean you are all the wiser. You still tend to fall into the same situation, but at least you have your eyes wide open and you know how to deal with it.
My story isn't unique. It's just, well, my story. Everyone has his own first cuts and deep wounds along the journey of life. The important thing to realise is not to let the cuts and bruises fester. It will only make life miserable.
Reflections of my life, oh how they fill my eyes
The greetings of people in trouble
Reflections of my life, oh how they fill my eyes
All my sorrows, sad tomorrows
Take me back to my own home
All my cryings, feel I'm dying, dying
Take me back to my own home
I'm changing, arranging
I'm changing, I'm changing everything
Oh, everything around me
The world is a bad place
A bad place, a terrible place to live
Oh, but I don't wanna die
All my sorrows, sad tomorrows
Take me back to my own home
All my cryings, feel I'm dying, dying
Take me back to my own home
All my sorrows, sad tomorrows
Take me back to my own home
All my cryings...
It was one of my favourite songs when I was a teenager. Back then, I didn't know what the lyrics signify. I only felt the song was going to be a part of me for some yet to be known reason.
It only became clearer in university when I realised I had fallen in love, and that the love was forbidden... And to make it even more impossible, he was a bona fide straight guy: a state hockey player and a product of the Royal Military College.
As fate would have it, and against all the odds, he reciprocated and the 6 years we were together were the sweetest I've known. It ended because he felt the urgent need to breed and he wanted to get married.
Contrary to what the lyrics laid bare, I did not wish to die rather than suffer the anguish. Instead, I killed my feelings for him despite the pleas from him that he wanted us to still continue to be together once he was married. I saw no point in it.
It took me a good part of 2 years to recover. Like Rod Stewart sang, the first cut is really the deepest.
Now, decades and several lifetimes later, when I sometimes lay sleepless deep at night, I still wonder why I am destined to feel the things that I have felt. There are no answers for it, I know. And so I've stopped asking it consciously.
I only reflect on whether what I had done to deal with those emotions were for the better or otherwise. Sometimes even if you have grown older, it does not mean you are all the wiser. You still tend to fall into the same situation, but at least you have your eyes wide open and you know how to deal with it.
My story isn't unique. It's just, well, my story. Everyone has his own first cuts and deep wounds along the journey of life. The important thing to realise is not to let the cuts and bruises fester. It will only make life miserable.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
This used to be my playground. (so says Madonna..)
Well, she isn't the only one who had a playground. All of us would have a place where we played, tumbled, fell, and got up again. Then played yet again until we grew up suddenly one fine day. Yes, that's what we all did, so don't deny it.
My playground wasn't anything special, but it was special to me because that was where I soaked life in and basked in the follies of youth. And why not? I was young, and I was beautiful (well, sort of..), so like they say the world was at my feet. Didn't you feel that way when you were at your playground? Don't lie now.
The name of my playground was Peirce Reservoir (aka Kallang River Reservoir), right about in the very centre of the island of Singapore. We moved there in the 60's after my father was transferred from Johor where I was born. He worked with the Singapore Waterworks (now known as Public Utilities Board) as he was a Singaporean by birth. I seem to recall I was just about 6 years old then. Unfortunately, I couldn't recall much of what or who I was prior to that age: only snatches here and there.
Being a water catchment area, it was rather isolated from the hustle bustle of mainstream Singapore even then. There were manicured lawns and flower beds and matured trees all over the big area, much like a botanical garden. And of course there was the reservoir, a calm and serence body of water with lots of thriving aquatic life in it. My father used to bring me on boat rides to the far ends of the reservoir when he went on a working tour of the place.
Our nearest neighbour was perhaps a kilometer away, so I was pretty much alone most of the time: my older brother always hanging out with his schoolmates away from home. I learned about the birds and the bees right at my playground as there were plenty of birds and bees (even wasps). And also from the courting couples who frequented the place at night and left tell-tale evidences the next morning strewn all over the roadside. Sometimes when I walked to school I would count how many used condoms I spotted along the way...
I miss the playground of my early life. Sometimes I still dream I am there, even though the house we stayed in is no longer in existence. I guess my deepest memories are there. It was there I discovered my orientation and the path to my life's journey. It was there I had my early infatuations which shaped my outlook until today. And it was there that I made a decision to explore the world far away from home and be on my own...
The name of my playground was Peirce Reservoir (aka Kallang River Reservoir), right about in the very centre of the island of Singapore. We moved there in the 60's after my father was transferred from Johor where I was born. He worked with the Singapore Waterworks (now known as Public Utilities Board) as he was a Singaporean by birth. I seem to recall I was just about 6 years old then. Unfortunately, I couldn't recall much of what or who I was prior to that age: only snatches here and there.
(all the pictures above were taken by my older brother a couple of years back)
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Tale of the rain and the moon..
I was watching some movies recently on my PC and I came across this particular scene in a Japanese movie I was watching. It was about a samurai clan which was recruiting new intakes. One of the new recruits was a particularly attractive youth, and soon enough friction arose within the samurais because they were trying to get his "favours".. if you get what I mean.
Anyway, this particular scene was when that attractive youth was required to kill his first lover due to some code of ethics (which had nothing to do with his proclivities). The narration below was taken almost ad verbatim from the English subtitle. The story was related by another samurai to his friend tasked with witnessing the assasination (so pardon the flow of English)
"There was once a scholar who took care of a samurai who had fallen ill while travelling through his village. After a while, in the course of his recovery, they grew close. Soon enough they took an oath of everlasting friendship.
But soon enough too, the samurai must return to his own group far away. So he eventually left, promising he'd return the following year on September 9th.
Times passed by slowly. Then the chrysanthemum season came around.
And soon it was September.
On the morning of the 9th, the scholar and his mother prepared flowers, rice wine and fish. But the samurai didn't turn up at his door. The scholar's mother tried to comfort him, but in vain.
He went outside his house. The moon was behind the mountains. All was dark around him. He was about to go back inside when he saw a man in the shadows. The samurai had finally returned as promised...
The scholar showed him inside the house. Once inside, the samurai seemed strangely sad and quiet. He wouldn't eat or drink.
Suddenly the samurai said that he no longer belonged to this world. He said that on his journey home to his group, he had been taken prisoner. He couldn't escape. So he killed himself and kept his promise. His spirit was carried in the wind....
Moral of the story : avoid frivolous people and surround yourself with friends you can count on. If you have just one friend like that samurai who would even take his life just to keep his word, then count yourself as a lucky person...."
Anyway, this particular scene was when that attractive youth was required to kill his first lover due to some code of ethics (which had nothing to do with his proclivities). The narration below was taken almost ad verbatim from the English subtitle. The story was related by another samurai to his friend tasked with witnessing the assasination (so pardon the flow of English)
"There was once a scholar who took care of a samurai who had fallen ill while travelling through his village. After a while, in the course of his recovery, they grew close. Soon enough they took an oath of everlasting friendship.
But soon enough too, the samurai must return to his own group far away. So he eventually left, promising he'd return the following year on September 9th.
Times passed by slowly. Then the chrysanthemum season came around.
On the morning of the 9th, the scholar and his mother prepared flowers, rice wine and fish. But the samurai didn't turn up at his door. The scholar's mother tried to comfort him, but in vain.
The scholar showed him inside the house. Once inside, the samurai seemed strangely sad and quiet. He wouldn't eat or drink.
Suddenly the samurai said that he no longer belonged to this world. He said that on his journey home to his group, he had been taken prisoner. He couldn't escape. So he killed himself and kept his promise. His spirit was carried in the wind....
Moral of the story : avoid frivolous people and surround yourself with friends you can count on. If you have just one friend like that samurai who would even take his life just to keep his word, then count yourself as a lucky person...."
A lttle blast... from a previous life..
In the vein of doing some cleaning and changing the organised disarray of things about the house, I chanced upon some almost forgotten momentos. As I brushed off the original dust from those things, I saw the following pictures taken when youth was but just a state of mind..
Fast rewind to the decade when the popular song was "Freak Out", and that is exactly how I felt when I saw those pictures...
I shall not name names....
I did say youth is just a state of mind... hahahahahahhaa...
Fast rewind to the decade when the popular song was "Freak Out", and that is exactly how I felt when I saw those pictures...
I shall not name names....
I did say youth is just a state of mind... hahahahahahhaa...
Friday, January 15, 2010
The first time (part 2)...
Of course there are many "first times" in one's life. We experience new things (and people) over the decades, years, months, weeks, and even days as we move along. If we just maintain the same things around us, then it only means we are stagnant, never expanding our perception of our universe.
OK, enough of philosophical musings. What I want to lay bare here is actually something most of us will one day have to face: changing our computing experience.
From somewhere in the yore of the mid-80's, I've followed the DOS route which transformed itself into Windows later (only Bill Gates knows why he had to name it such). I could have followed the CPM route (err.. it is NOT a communist acronym) and be a Steve Jacobs' follower, but I didn't, and don't ask me why not.
I stuck on with Windows when it again morphed into various nomenclatures: from 3.0 to 3.11, 3.11 For Workgroups, Windows 95, Windows 98, Windows 2000, Windows XP. Somehow I've managed not to be thrown out of the window by other operating systems that suddenly appeared almost out of the blue skies along the way. I supposed it was because the window behind which I sat was rather smug (and perhaps hermetically sealed?).
While happy with the rose-tainted glass window I was behind, I began to notice discernible cracks. The cracks even had names to them: Windows ME and more recently, Vista. Actually, from what I've read, Vista isn't just a mere crack: it could be deemed as a big slit or even a major slot that opens itself to penetrating opinion attacks by users and non-users alike.
Even though I have used laptops before, none was as small as this Acer: the first thing I did was try to locate where in tarnation is the font size setting. Everything seems to be not where they ought to be (since I'm used to XP). Therein is the first thing about Windows 7 menu and settings: it's not at the places most of you would be used to. It took me almost half a day to figure out the most basic setting changes I want to make... oh gosh.. it certainly didn't feel encouraging.
Over a couple of days, I kept exploring it and found most of the things I wanted. I think Microsoft designed Windows 7 for nerds because all you need to do is type in what you want once you click the Start icon. Sometimes it throws up very patronising questions to further refine what I was looking for. But who am I to complain since I AM a nerd to this new operating system... hahahaha.
I do find it boots up much faster than the XP I am used to. But also perhaps it is partly due to the fact I upgraded the RAM to 4gb to take advantage of what a 64-bit operating system can recognise and utilise. It is a pleasant surprise that it can run most of the older 32-it softwares which I have been using flawlessly (well almost). However the thing to know is that crucial softwares like antivirus and firewall need to be 64-bit ones, or at least 64-bit compatible.
I successfully installed Avast antivirus and ZoneAlarm free firewall to begin with, and both work fine so far. It was only after both were installed that I connected to the internet to get updates for the operating system proper (which there were quite a few over the last 48 hours or so). I also managed to install and run Photshop 7 (the CS2 version won't run after launching the software once installed: it says I don't have the administrator priviledge to do so, and I am still wondering why). ACDSee Pro 2.5 runs perfectly, so does CorelDraw Xara4.
Best yet, my old and trustworthy MS Office 2000 installed and ran as expected, although the Office Assistant animated helper now has a coloured background instead of being transparent. I just switched if off since it is really of no assistance anyway apart from being an amusing distraction when having a writer's block. I also managed to install all the needed codecs for movie playback to use KMPlayer instead of the built-in Windows Media Player which still is a bit tacky for my liking despite its numerous makeovers by Microsoft.
As of today, I am beginning to like this Windows 7 despite its "helpful" pop-ups to notify what's happening when I am using it. It's perfect for the grandpas and grandmas who want to just use it without worrying too much what to do once the basic settings are put in place. Or if you are using a non-power user of a desktop system, I guess using the defaults are fine. The most enticing feature is its ability to run most of the 32-bit softwares I am currently using without a whimper. But again, I have to consider the old working scanner I am still having. I don't yet know if an updated Windows 7 driver is available for it.... *sigh*
Friday, January 8, 2010
Makeover.... or move over??
I have been musing over the intended changes that needed to be done to the kitchen and Edi's room. Both Fook Seng and Derrick had volunteered to help. I didn't realise that it would indeed involve a bit more work. But then again, maybe I was so used to the existing "organised disarray" hahahahaaa....
Anyway, I've more or less settled on the bed and the rack that I need to get from Ikea. Edi has even consented to whichever ones I would get for him, as long as they don't cost too much (I did tell him the ballpark budget for them). So now I guess it's setting up the exact day.
I still have not figured out how am I to get rid of the old bed and mattress though. I can't exactly ask any of those recycling people from charity homes to take them: its not charity material for sure! Maybe I'll ask Rose (Edi's long time friend and ex-colleague in the renovation / cleaning business now) for some help..
While on that subject of "makeovers", I was watching again (for the umpteenth time!!) the youtube clip on Susan Boyle's debut singing during last year's Britain's Got Talent show. I simply can't stop being totally amazed at her performance. Although now she has an album out, I still think her debut performance's vocals was far more outstanding. Her voice in the album was too "engineered" by whoever was in charge of the recording. It makes her sound too youngish. It even makes her sound uncomfortingly similar to Madonna's voice when she sang "You'll See". Perhaps they envisioned that since she wants to be like Elaine Page, they try to make her voice attain that same octave / timbre throughout?
Not only that, I think (and Fook Seng will gleefully agree with me on this) her physical looks had been transformed rather over the top to make her supposedly more acceptable to the mass audience. I think her appeal was really that of her original persona, and with just a little help on her appearance, it would have been more credible and much more empathic.. I had to actually re-equalise the songs in her album to a lower octave for the vocals, and she sounds more like herself on that stage during the competition. But since my software isn't too professional, the orchestration also changes somewhat: I don't have just the cold vocal track to begin with..
And then when I search for other "makeover" singers, I found Tony Henry... So I searched for his background, and I found he is also British from a non-descript background but was discovered while singing at a bar. He was signed up and released an album some time back in 2003. And boy... !! does he have a powerful punch of a voice that to me rivals some of the best operatic tenors...! I have the songs he sang in the album called Modern Arias, and three songs stuck in my mind : 1) All By Myself, 2) I Want To Know What Love Is, 3) The First Time Ever I saw Your Face.
In Tony Henry's case, the "makeover" was transforming modern songs into classical style, and he sang those contemporary English songs in Italian, so as to take it another step towards classical opera style. That he is accompanied by none other than the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra makes it even more lush and engaging. To me, this cross-over is more enticing than the usual cross-over of making classical tunes into modern music: that, to me is more like "cross-dressing". And only kinky naughty minds love cross-dressing (if you get my drift). I am now trying to find another of his album called Modern Classics.
So... move over rap and hardrock... here comes the classicals !!!!
Anyway, I've more or less settled on the bed and the rack that I need to get from Ikea. Edi has even consented to whichever ones I would get for him, as long as they don't cost too much (I did tell him the ballpark budget for them). So now I guess it's setting up the exact day.
I still have not figured out how am I to get rid of the old bed and mattress though. I can't exactly ask any of those recycling people from charity homes to take them: its not charity material for sure! Maybe I'll ask Rose (Edi's long time friend and ex-colleague in the renovation / cleaning business now) for some help..
-------xxx-------
And then when I search for other "makeover" singers, I found Tony Henry... So I searched for his background, and I found he is also British from a non-descript background but was discovered while singing at a bar. He was signed up and released an album some time back in 2003. And boy... !! does he have a powerful punch of a voice that to me rivals some of the best operatic tenors...! I have the songs he sang in the album called Modern Arias, and three songs stuck in my mind : 1) All By Myself, 2) I Want To Know What Love Is, 3) The First Time Ever I saw Your Face.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
On this 6th January 2010.....
I don't intend to be dramatic... BUT... today I got the following email from... EDI ~!!!! And it was after I called him when he told me of some settings problems on his OE. I think its the server port for SMTP.. so I told him to use the webmail version.
He finally got himself internet access.. hurray.. !!
"hi sam,
yesterday, because of the weather was 27C my sis suggested that i went with her to the city, and that she could drop into her office for some work. it was actually bold of me to agree to it only 11days after the hosp discharge. i thought it'd a test how far i could go and i was surprised that i could do it for 5hrs, fr 11am to after 4pm when we reached home. but i was very tired and had a nap until after 7pm to have my dinner.
took the .5hr train ride into the city and went to get the prepaid mobile internet, costing a total of A95 for the modem and 1mth usage + tax. then went for lunch... a rather authentic chicken curry laksa which cost A9.80 for a very big bowl, with beehoon mee, taugeh and 3pcs each of taufu, binjal, lady's fingers and big pcs of breast meat which i couldn't finished.
as it was convenient to take the tram, she said i must get to the queen victoria market and have a look. ended up walking for abt 1.5hrs. then we went to her office but it was rather late and she didn't do any work. office was rather quiet because of the holidays. met some of her colleagues.
on the way back on the train william called on the hdph and chatted for a while just before we got off. he should be getting the sd card today fr my sis's friend. i had written on the receipt "with compliments".
* all the walking was more a stroll.
i will send a message to all our friends later in the day."
He finally got himself internet access.. hurray.. !!
"hi sam,
yesterday, because of the weather was 27C my sis suggested that i went with her to the city, and that she could drop into her office for some work. it was actually bold of me to agree to it only 11days after the hosp discharge. i thought it'd a test how far i could go and i was surprised that i could do it for 5hrs, fr 11am to after 4pm when we reached home. but i was very tired and had a nap until after 7pm to have my dinner.
took the .5hr train ride into the city and went to get the prepaid mobile internet, costing a total of A95 for the modem and 1mth usage + tax. then went for lunch... a rather authentic chicken curry laksa which cost A9.80 for a very big bowl, with beehoon mee, taugeh and 3pcs each of taufu, binjal, lady's fingers and big pcs of breast meat which i couldn't finished.
as it was convenient to take the tram, she said i must get to the queen victoria market and have a look. ended up walking for abt 1.5hrs. then we went to her office but it was rather late and she didn't do any work. office was rather quiet because of the holidays. met some of her colleagues.
on the way back on the train william called on the hdph and chatted for a while just before we got off. he should be getting the sd card today fr my sis's friend. i had written on the receipt "with compliments".
* all the walking was more a stroll.
i will send a message to all our friends later in the day."
Friday, January 1, 2010
Edi's update..
Just a quick update on this first day of the new year.
I just spoke to Edi a few minutes ago to wish him a happy new year and to catch up on things since I last called him 2 days ago. His voice is even better than the other day and sounded very much more like his normal voice. He was at a neighbour's house for a new year BBQ but came back for a short while since he knew I would be calling. He'll be going back to the BBQ after our phone conversation.
After his discharge from the rehab centre, he has been improving steadily and can now move around the sister's house much on his own. He has even begun to prepare simple soups on his own, since he knows exactly what herbs he needs. His mental processes are totally fine because he can remember exactly where he keeps each individual skin lotion and ointment he wanted me to find and give to his brother, to be taken back to Melbourne.
Apart from other details, I told him about the single bed that Mike, Raymond and I saw at Ikea the other day, and he agreed that if I think it is suitable, he'll want it to replace his old bed. Also, I relayed to him what William told me about the SIM card meant for international calls that he left with Vivien when he visited Edi at St.Vincent's Hospital. William said it's so much cheaper to use that card to call outside Australia and can be topped up at any 7-Eleven there.
He sends his new year greetings to everyone, and asked me to convey the same message to my brother's family and my relatives when I next see them.
I just spoke to Edi a few minutes ago to wish him a happy new year and to catch up on things since I last called him 2 days ago. His voice is even better than the other day and sounded very much more like his normal voice. He was at a neighbour's house for a new year BBQ but came back for a short while since he knew I would be calling. He'll be going back to the BBQ after our phone conversation.
After his discharge from the rehab centre, he has been improving steadily and can now move around the sister's house much on his own. He has even begun to prepare simple soups on his own, since he knows exactly what herbs he needs. His mental processes are totally fine because he can remember exactly where he keeps each individual skin lotion and ointment he wanted me to find and give to his brother, to be taken back to Melbourne.
Apart from other details, I told him about the single bed that Mike, Raymond and I saw at Ikea the other day, and he agreed that if I think it is suitable, he'll want it to replace his old bed. Also, I relayed to him what William told me about the SIM card meant for international calls that he left with Vivien when he visited Edi at St.Vincent's Hospital. William said it's so much cheaper to use that card to call outside Australia and can be topped up at any 7-Eleven there.
He sends his new year greetings to everyone, and asked me to convey the same message to my brother's family and my relatives when I next see them.
