Reflections of my life, oh how they fill my eyes
The greetings of people in trouble
Reflections of my life, oh how they fill my eyes
All my sorrows, sad tomorrows
Take me back to my own home
All my cryings, feel I'm dying, dying
Take me back to my own home
I'm changing, arranging
I'm changing, I'm changing everything
Oh, everything around me
The world is a bad place
A bad place, a terrible place to live
Oh, but I don't wanna die
All my sorrows, sad tomorrows
Take me back to my own home
All my cryings, feel I'm dying, dying
Take me back to my own home
All my sorrows, sad tomorrows
Take me back to my own home
All my cryings...
It was one of my favourite songs when I was a teenager. Back then, I didn't know what the lyrics signify. I only felt the song was going to be a part of me for some yet to be known reason.
It only became clearer in university when I realised I had fallen in love, and that the love was forbidden... And to make it even more impossible, he was a bona fide straight guy: a state hockey player and a product of the Royal Military College.
As fate would have it, and against all the odds, he reciprocated and the 6 years we were together were the sweetest I've known. It ended because he felt the urgent need to breed and he wanted to get married.
Contrary to what the lyrics laid bare, I did not wish to die rather than suffer the anguish. Instead, I killed my feelings for him despite the pleas from him that he wanted us to still continue to be together once he was married. I saw no point in it.
It took me a good part of 2 years to recover. Like Rod Stewart sang, the first cut is really the deepest.
Now, decades and several lifetimes later, when I sometimes lay sleepless deep at night, I still wonder why I am destined to feel the things that I have felt. There are no answers for it, I know. And so I've stopped asking it consciously.
I only reflect on whether what I had done to deal with those emotions were for the better or otherwise. Sometimes even if you have grown older, it does not mean you are all the wiser. You still tend to fall into the same situation, but at least you have your eyes wide open and you know how to deal with it.
My story isn't unique. It's just, well, my story. Everyone has his own first cuts and deep wounds along the journey of life. The important thing to realise is not to let the cuts and bruises fester. It will only make life miserable.
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